Placing Blame for Paruresis

I am sitting here just trying to think back and remember just how it is I became this paruretic thing. I have been trying my whole life to recall what exactly I am doing here. I mean that in every sense of the word. I am quitting smoking for some reason. I remembered recently that I was writing a blog about my paruresis and decided I may as well keep anyone who was actually reading filled in on my situation though I do not know if any actual paruretics will ever read this. I remembered that I thought everyone probably thought that I was just trying to kill some time blogging but that reminded me that there was an actual reason for it. They say theres a reason for everything. Right now I decided not to go to the bathroom for a while. I keep cycling on it. Basically, all I do for hours at a time is go to the bathroom. I can never get that empty feeling. I do empty the bladder fully but forgot some time ago just how long I am supposed to wait until I decide I need to go again. This became obsessive. All the time I would be waiting for a few more drops so I could be sure i was as empty as possible when someone came over or something happened where I could not go for a while. I have come to expect that I will be suffering all day so I just wait for it and try to not have to go for as long as possible so I do not press my stupid mental problems on anyone else. I decided to hold it now. Just for a while. I do that sometimes. I have time right now and I am feeling a bit stressed out so I just want to feel like I can sit here and pay attention to writing and not have to even think about the fact that I have to go. I have been hunting out these times of private reflection for years. I was trying to remember why it was that I did that in the first place. I thought that I was probably embarassed. This reminded me of a feeling. A feeling of wanting to hold it for a while a long time ago. I can not rememeber why I wanted to hold it but i know there was a good reason for it. I think pherhaps I wanted it to distract me from something. I thought maybe that was how this behavoir pattern was started so long ago that I can not remember it but then recalled those times in public bathrooms where I got so scared I decided I just wanted to hold it for a while and thought of when I could go later more comfortably. I was reminded of that time in junior high where I picked a stall. I recalled I liked stalls better for a few reasons and that I wasnt too embarassed to explain my reasons to the other boys. The reasons as i recall were pretty commonplace. You did not want to turn your back in the bathroom at school because you hear rumors of swirlies and bullies and such. I was reminded of a time I went in a stall and left the door unlocked. Someone walked into the bathroom and put his foot into my back making me piss all over myself. At this point there was a lot of pointing and laughing. I was also reminded of high school smokers. They decided they would just have someone escort us to the bathroom. I was reminded of explaining to this teacher's aid that I could not go if here was in there and feeling very vunerable and not wanting to explain this to him I just decided I would rather hold it for a while. I was reminded then that I was writing a blog about paruresis and should probably add to it. I was trying to figure out just how it is that I am going to pay some bills of mine and where I am going to work when I am left alone. I was reminded that I am paruretic and if I was not so stupid it would be easy to pay those bills alone. I wondered if pherhaps my paruresis was not some subconcious ploy to be lazy and avoid working as had been suggested once or twice to me to my amusement. I was reminded of how much I have worked despite having to hold it for the entire shift and trying to explain it to bosses and knowing I can be promoted and really make a good impression as long as I can hold it in. I remembered that if i can keep my mouth shut that I do quite well. I did this for nearly a decade thinking I was actually doing myself some good. Now it is more of a problem and I do not like holding it all day like that and I do not want to explain my situation to perspective employers. I fear for my health. This reminded me that I could probably do alright anyway as long as I quit smoking. This reminded me why I was writing that paruresis blog and that I should probably add a page. All of it made me want to place the blame on those kids or the school. Pherhaps I should. I kind of feel like I should not have been put in a situation with other kids who attacked me and there were not teachers around to stop it from happening and then later on being put in close quarters and denied privacy but also not allowed to go home and being forced to explain this embarassing condition. All this reminded me that I am still alone with it now. There is no solution it seems. I was trying to remember just what I am supposed to do about all of this and that reminded me of a few other things that were pretty upsetting. After a few recent deaths in the family I was reminded of my impending eventuallity. I guess that made me want to blame someone but in the end I only blame myself. It seems so rediculous that no one will ever believe me. I really don't believe myself and keep trying to figure out what I was thinking that started this so I can unthink it or talk myself out of it but I have not been able to.