Placing Blame for Paruresis

I am sitting here just trying to think back and remember just how it is I became this paruretic thing. I have been trying my whole life to recall what exactly I am doing here. I mean that in every sense of the word. I am quitting smoking for some reason. I remembered recently that I was writing a blog about my paruresis and decided I may as well keep anyone who was actually reading filled in on my situation though I do not know if any actual paruretics will ever read this. I remembered that I thought everyone probably thought that I was just trying to kill some time blogging but that reminded me that there was an actual reason for it. They say theres a reason for everything. Right now I decided not to go to the bathroom for a while. I keep cycling on it. Basically, all I do for hours at a time is go to the bathroom. I can never get that empty feeling. I do empty the bladder fully but forgot some time ago just how long I am supposed to wait until I decide I need to go again. This became obsessive. All the time I would be waiting for a few more drops so I could be sure i was as empty as possible when someone came over or something happened where I could not go for a while. I have come to expect that I will be suffering all day so I just wait for it and try to not have to go for as long as possible so I do not press my stupid mental problems on anyone else. I decided to hold it now. Just for a while. I do that sometimes. I have time right now and I am feeling a bit stressed out so I just want to feel like I can sit here and pay attention to writing and not have to even think about the fact that I have to go. I have been hunting out these times of private reflection for years. I was trying to remember why it was that I did that in the first place. I thought that I was probably embarassed. This reminded me of a feeling. A feeling of wanting to hold it for a while a long time ago. I can not rememeber why I wanted to hold it but i know there was a good reason for it. I think pherhaps I wanted it to distract me from something. I thought maybe that was how this behavoir pattern was started so long ago that I can not remember it but then recalled those times in public bathrooms where I got so scared I decided I just wanted to hold it for a while and thought of when I could go later more comfortably. I was reminded of that time in junior high where I picked a stall. I recalled I liked stalls better for a few reasons and that I wasnt too embarassed to explain my reasons to the other boys. The reasons as i recall were pretty commonplace. You did not want to turn your back in the bathroom at school because you hear rumors of swirlies and bullies and such. I was reminded of a time I went in a stall and left the door unlocked. Someone walked into the bathroom and put his foot into my back making me piss all over myself. At this point there was a lot of pointing and laughing. I was also reminded of high school smokers. They decided they would just have someone escort us to the bathroom. I was reminded of explaining to this teacher's aid that I could not go if here was in there and feeling very vunerable and not wanting to explain this to him I just decided I would rather hold it for a while. I was reminded then that I was writing a blog about paruresis and should probably add to it. I was trying to figure out just how it is that I am going to pay some bills of mine and where I am going to work when I am left alone. I was reminded that I am paruretic and if I was not so stupid it would be easy to pay those bills alone. I wondered if pherhaps my paruresis was not some subconcious ploy to be lazy and avoid working as had been suggested once or twice to me to my amusement. I was reminded of how much I have worked despite having to hold it for the entire shift and trying to explain it to bosses and knowing I can be promoted and really make a good impression as long as I can hold it in. I remembered that if i can keep my mouth shut that I do quite well. I did this for nearly a decade thinking I was actually doing myself some good. Now it is more of a problem and I do not like holding it all day like that and I do not want to explain my situation to perspective employers. I fear for my health. This reminded me that I could probably do alright anyway as long as I quit smoking. This reminded me why I was writing that paruresis blog and that I should probably add a page. All of it made me want to place the blame on those kids or the school. Pherhaps I should. I kind of feel like I should not have been put in a situation with other kids who attacked me and there were not teachers around to stop it from happening and then later on being put in close quarters and denied privacy but also not allowed to go home and being forced to explain this embarassing condition. All this reminded me that I am still alone with it now. There is no solution it seems. I was trying to remember just what I am supposed to do about all of this and that reminded me of a few other things that were pretty upsetting. After a few recent deaths in the family I was reminded of my impending eventuallity. I guess that made me want to blame someone but in the end I only blame myself. It seems so rediculous that no one will ever believe me. I really don't believe myself and keep trying to figure out what I was thinking that started this so I can unthink it or talk myself out of it but I have not been able to.

Allowing Recovery from Paruresis

No one really understands what it is like to have paruresis. I wonder if one day I will forget and read over this wonder how anyone could be so insane. I have been trying many different drugs in my treatment lately. Mostly anxiety medications as well as one that causes urinary retention so at least I would be able to go out for longer without having to worry about my paruresis. Unfortunately, it was a bit too much and i got rather dehydrated. Overall it has been the most effective treatment I have tried so far. Not that it helped the paruresis but that not worrying about it constantly like I usually do seems to have me in higher spirits. They say a clear mind and staying calm is the best thing and so far I would have to agree. I am still in quite a bind as far as working goes. I do not relish the idea of telling a perspective employer that I am so insane that if I tell them why I cannot work long shifts they will not believe me anyway. Sadly, it is the truth. I have made some progress through cognitive behavioral therapy but every time I think I am finally getting over it I seem to regress. Perhaps it is best to give these things ample time, but patience is not one of my strong traits. Worrying about whether I am making progress or getting worse has become every bit as obsessive a train of thought as the fear of being in pain because I can not go is. It almost seems as though I need something to worry about. Naturally my psychiatrist had a field day with that one. As for me I think I stopped caring after about 3 months of really trying to get better. I always assumed in my cynical nature that I would fail to get over my paruresis and commit suicide as a result. Quite to the contrary, I no longer seem to care what happens to me. Must be the pills. I suppose I should note that my cynical nature is probably why I have not made more progress than I currently have. I feel like I am doing much better now regardless. Paruresis and similar phobias are extremely difficult to make a full recovery from so I have decided, above all that I will allow myself the rest of my life if that is what it takes.

Coping with Paruresis

In some cases of paruresis a person can only go to the bathroom if there is no one else in the room. This can be affected by several factors and varies from person to person. Going in a public place where there is line formed behind them is very difficult for a lot of people and many will avoid going because of this. Some people find that using headphones with very loud music can help to drown out whats around them. These bouts of shy bladder are very common and do not necessarily mean you have paruresis. Many paruretics can not go if they think someone else can see them. These cases are often easier to deal with because any bathroom with a lock on the door or stalls can be sufficient. The inability to urinate can also be caused by the fear that someone else can hear them going. It is not uncommon for multiple triggers to be present. In cases where sound is an issue background noise may be helpful. If a persons paruresis is triggered by the fear of someone hearing them go then a loud stereo or television may help. Running water or flushing before going is a common practice to help overcome shy bladder. For most people this is all it takes to get them going. When dealing with a bad case of paruresis all of the above may not be enough but it can be helpful sometimes.

Avoidant Paruresis

Paruresis has been diagnosed in people both young and old. A lot of people suffer in silence with this condition for years. One thing many paruretics have in common is that they are not sure exactly when and how it started. A person should never attempt to self diagnose paruresis even if it does seem obvious. Getting checked out by a urologist is always a step that should be taken to rule out any other problems that could cause similar symptoms. When a person has no problems at all going to the bathroom when they are alone but can not when others are or are perceived to be present this is usually an indication that they are paruretic. People with paruresis are know to have feelings of low self value and are often very ashamed. A person with avoidant paruresis will do nearly anything to avoid having to tell others about their condition. Working as a paruretic may mean having no choice but to hold it all day. Finding a job means having to look only at places where they do not drug test or risking losing the job if you are asked to provide a urine sample regardless of actual drug use. This is completely unfair to anyone with avoidant paruresis. They often can not admit that they are paruretic so they can not even ask for another type of testing. To a normal person, this of course seems ridiculous but to someone with avoidant paruresis it can be stressful enough to cause a serious breakdown. Most will just avoid the situation all together and settle for jobs they do not want. It is impossible to estimate just how many people are mistreated due to their paruresis and fear of admitting to it. One thing that is known is that in particularly bad cases it can completely control a persons life. This can drastically affect a persons ability to work or do any activities. The extent to which it can interfere with someones day to day routine can be staggering to an uneducated person. Paruresis can have an effect on nearly every aspect of life in one way or another and sometimes causes more problems than even the paruretic realizes.

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Working with Paruresis

When I think about how much my paruresis affects my life I would absolutely have to agree that it is a disability according to the americans with disabilities act definition. Not only does it affect the way I live my life but has effectively ruined it for me and many others. In my case my paruresis forces me to be completely agoraphobic. I have a very severe case in which I can only use my bathroom at home. I can leave the house but doing so means I constantly feel anxious about when and where I will be able to go again. Working means holding it for six hours a day because I usually can not tell people about my shy bladder. A lot of times I have to work much longer and it can be very painful. I have walked out on several jobs because I would rather quit than have to admit my paruresis in front of all my coworkers. This usually causes depression so bad it has put me in the hospital a few times now. Of course, that can be even worse so I try to cope with it on my own if possible. Recently I decided to try to be open about my paruresis at work but I just choke up. I am not sure it would do anything but make my boss decide that I am trying to get out of work and fire me. I am also very unclear on what if any protection the law offers me in this regard. Doctors tell me that holding it every day for so long will probably cause incontinence or other problems later in life. I do not see any other choice. Even the doctors seem to think I am lying to them about it. I can not find any information concerning disability payments for paruresis so I can only assume this particular mental disability does not qualify a person to receive financial aid. Simply determining if someone was being honest about it would be an issue but given the severity of some cases I think it certainly warrants some help. Especially considering some of the things people collect for. Paruresis is a much more serious issue than most people realize.

How to Talk About Paruresis

The typical response a person has when they are told that someone they know has paruresis is utter disbelief. Due to the avoidance issues paruretics are prone to they may carry on a relationship for years or even decades without ever admitting to their shy bladder problem. This of course requires a lot of lying which in turn leads to more problems. Constantly making up excuses to cover for your disability can cause a huge amount of stress for a person with an anxiety disorder. The stress is compounded because there is anxiety felt about both the paruresis itself and each excuse made to cover for it. For those with serious paranoia this can easily cause panic attacks leading the sufferer to more or less shut down. Living like this from day to day over the course of a lifetime can cause extreme feelings of low self worth and depression. Learning to cope with paruresis means learning to cope with these feelings as well. For many this means seeing a psychiatrist and probably being diagnosed with depression as well. Although it is a social anxiety paruresis often causes other emotions which need to be treated.

Telling someone about your paruresis can be more difficult than most can imagine. Some people find it is easier to tell someone they have just met than someone they have known and hidden it from for a long time. It may be easier to tell a stranger because there is less chance of being hurt if the relationship ends. Often it can be easier to enter a relationship with the other person knowing about the paruresis right off so there is nothing to hide. Eventually in many relationships, particularly the more personal and work related ones the paruretic will be forced to admit his or her condition. This to some paruretics is a total nightmare and something they fear desperately as indicated by avoidance patterns. This can cause the person to alter their work and social habits to a degree that is absolutely suffocating. One thing that is known about the disorder is that most people find it very difficult to talk about it. Due to this there is no reliable way to determine how many people have been fired or simply given up on jobs because of their paruresis. The fear of rejection or ridicule when telling someone can easily cause a person to just back out of a job interview or any kind of meeting. Some find the best approach is the direct and open one. For many this is difficult but getting it out in the open can sometimes relieve a lot of pressure. A more indirect method would be to simply ask the person to do a little reading on the internet or in books. Doing this helps to educate the person about paruresis and can make it easier for the paruretic, however it may not be appropriate in some situations. Many times people find out about it through circumstance instead of beings told. This can be extremely embarrassing to the person with shy bladder. Another method some find useful is to have someone they know explain their paruresis to people for them.

What Paruresis is

The current definition of paruresis is a mental disability in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the presence or perceived presence of others. Because of the social nature of the condition it has been labeled as an anxiety disorder. There is still debate however, as to whether paruresis is an anxiety disorder or a symptom of anxiety. Most people who suffer from this condition probably do have other mental issues but obtaining such data about a disorder that, by nature causes it's victims to avoid talking about it at all costs is anything but easy. In my own case this is certainly true. While seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety which he deemed as bipolar disorder I could not admit to being paruretic. In fact the only times I have ever admitted to it was when I was put in situations where I had to hold it for so long the pain became unbearable and on this nice, annonymous blog. Paruresis is listed in the statistical manual of mental disorders as a mental condition, not the symptom of one. Judging by the law suits won against companies who were unwilling to change their drug testing policies to accomadate paruretics one can only assume that shy bladder syndrome is it's own disorder. This may have some implications as far as treatment is concerned. If an underlying cause is not treated the symptoms of it will often continue.

I find it surprising that more companies are not changing their methods of testing to accomidate people who suffer from paruresis. When looking for a job I find a lot of jobs I will not even bother to apply to because of this. It's almost tempting to call them out on it but I could never force myself to do that. In fact, I am unsure of how the laws in my area work concerning paruresis and having a hard time finding out. Comments are appreciated although I certainly do not expect any on a subject as embarrassing as this.

How I learned of my paruretic disability

How far would you like to go back on how I see my disability progressing or acknowledging how it's been something relevant to my day to day life. It starts back as early as elementary school with the teacher trying to get everyone to go into the restroom and handle their business all at once in a community urinal. You remember those? Troughs. Nightmares for anyone with paruresis. It was over 20 years ago so it's hard to remember everything that was running through my mind. I can still see it as a traumatic experience and as not adhering to my lifestyle or the way I was taught to deal with bodily functions.

I can remember one of the first times. I think my teacher's name was something Ms. Julie. She was sweet and the class was orderly. Every thing was regular as we went about our daily routines for my first time. She asked us to step into the bathroom, using the water fountain nearby on our way in and out as we liked. As we approached the urinal as instructed in groups it brought up a lot of insecurities in my thought patterns. Quite unsure what my peers were thinking, it became difficult to focus on the task at hand or perhaps to be unfocused from said insecurities. Boy after boy left that restroom. Group after group. I never left until I was ready to admit to Ms. Julie that I was unable to relieve myself. When i walked out and told her "I can't pee, I'm too nervous." she asked me to sit aside and wait for the class. So I sat down along side the wall. Once the class was done she asked a boy to stay with me kind of like a buddy system and the class walked back to the room. This was not the only time this happened.

I know Ms. Julie was only doing what she was told to do and dealing with something like paruresis was probably was not in her job description. It was only recently I learned this is actually classified as a disability and that many other people suffer from it as well. Many of whom have similar stories.